“What is that book about?” I asked my son’s classmate.
Before she could answer, my son piped up, “It’s a science book.”
Ignoring him, I asked her again and she confirmed my son’s answer. “Is it for science class?” I asked her. Again, my son answered on her behalf, that it was for a project in science class. This cycle repeated a few more times.
Until I told my son, very directly, to never answer for girls. And here is why:
As a longtime strong supporter of girls, and especially girls’ education and empowerment, I’ve paid close attention to research on where and why we lose so many along the path to science and technology education.
It’s a complex issue, but common themes suggest boys overpowering girls in conversations, meetings, and decision-making seriously erodes their self-confidence, and is a key factor in the dearth of women in science and technology today.
Nowhere is overpowering more apparent than when I see boys and fathers speak over or on behalf of the girls in their lives. Repeatedly. Across ages and cultures.
Recently, at a school ecological fair where kids sell or recycle things, I found a fourth-grade girl selling a series of comic books she’d written and self-published. They were well done, and as I believe supporting these efforts, I wanted to know more.
As I was asking her questions about the book, such as when and why she wrote it, how she got it printed, etc., her nearby father answered every question. For his 10-year-old daughter. Every. Single. Question.
Please, never, ever do this. Not to any girl, any child, any woman, or anyone at all.
There are plenty of independent, strong-willed girls in our son’s school, but this girl didn’t appear to be one of them. Instead, her voice was soft and her demeanor quiet, which was no wonder as she‘s undoubtedly buried under dad, and perhaps other people in her life, too.
Empower not smother
Let me suggest that your job as a parent, friend, or peer is to empower girls (and women) to speak for themselves. You can do this many ways, but, as doctors say, “first do no harm.” This means never answering for your kids, especially girls, as this really harms them long-term.
Answering for kids is so destructive because it not only shows your limited trust in them to answer correctly, more importantly, it robs them of their own voice, their own confidence, and a chance to interact with others on a variety of topics. It’s a bad thing.
Also consider: If you always answer for them, how will they ever become independent? At what age? How will they ever stand up for themselves? How will they have confidence in their own ideas, voice, and abilities? The answer is never, not as long as you rob them of all the chances to do so.
Goes for adults, too
Likewise, don’t be that guy answering for or speaking over women in meetings at your organization. This is among the most common complaints of professional women in today’s workplace, where guys answer for them, talk over them, and really never let them fully participate, contribute, or get credit at work.
Many highly-capable women are softer-spoken, perhaps in part due to men answering for them all their lives, though it may also simply be their personality. We should all support them in meetings, not let others interrupt them, and draw out their opinions with questions, if necessary.
Having done this many times, I can assure you it’s worth it, and goes a long way towards building respect within the team, and giving folks the confidence to speak up more often and more forcefully, especially when they disagree.
Girls’ Junior High Schools
I’ll write more on girls’ schools in the future, but one reason I’m a huge fan of girls’ only junior high is that their voices are so easily lost amidst “boy noise.” One study reported, “Boys talk nine times more than girls in the classroom,” which is hard to believe, but I imagine it feels that way to many girls, especially the shy ones.
Girls in single-gender schools are free from boys’ dominating influence — and thus free to fend for themselves in the first order. This builds driven, confident young women who can easily hold their own later on in co-ed high school, college, and the workplace. The reality is that until we can build better boys, girls’ schools at the right age can play an important role, too.
It’s all of us
I’ve seen boys and men talking over girls and women across several cultures and economic classes, including (maybe especially) upper-class parents with children in private schools. Some of this behavior is displayed even by progressive parents who claim to support girls in every way but don’t realize how they’re limiting their child’s growth and independence.
So please look at yourself and those around you, and ponder how you interact with the girls in your life. Think about how you’re encouraging (or not) their independence, confidence, and long-term self-reliance. This is a global challenge, but you can start in your household, school, and community.
Don’t speak for girls – respect and empower them to speak for themselves.
Questions:
Do you answer for your kids, especially girls? Do others you know do this?
What can you do to encourage girls to speak out, such as ignoring others who talk over them, ensure you talk directly to them, and repeatedly engage them?
What else affects girls’ confidence and their ability to speak up?
Resources:
Girls Leadership Site - Great site on helping girls speak up and for themselves - lots of resources, including this video on girls asserting themselves.
Boys Speak Up, Girls Silenced in the Classroom - Nice summary including “Boys talk nine times more than girls in the classroom” from their study.
Gender, Participation and Silence in the Language Classroom: Sh-shushing the Girls - 2003 book on this subject.
Gender Differences in the Classroom - Summary of various social, gender, and other aspects, including boys being more aggressive & interactive.